What Am I Doing to Make a Difference?

Today we went to look at the new clubs we are going to acquire. My daughter, Sara, was able to go with us. We talked to managers. Set new hours. Told about new ideas. Dreamed! I was quite excited, but scared! A new venture is scary, especially if you had to go through closing a business.

When we left both places, we stopped at a Chinese restaurant that Eric used to take me to when we were dating (yes, there were Chinese restaurants in the stone age!). Anyway, it was different and not nearly as nice as I remembered it 27 years ago. During the course of conversation, my daughter and I had a theological debate.

Have you ever noticed how many emotions come during a theological debate? It's not fun! I hate them! Anyhow I tried to stay out of it but no! My flesh wanted flesh. I had to prove I was right...what a wrong thing to do. Especially when your both cut from the same "debating" mold. I really should have kept my mouth shut! You would think I would have learned to just listen and pray for truth to come out rather than trying to defend God. Even Jesus didn't debate and defend himself. In fact, the Bible says "don't pick points." I hate being bull-headed!

Somehow in the course of things, I told her we have one thing in common. Despite our differences (we are so very alike), we have one commonality--we both want to make a difference in our world!

She then said, "But what difference are you making?"

OUCH! It was as though a knife seared through my heart! She had hit a very bid spot of insecurity in me. That inner whisper that says incessantly, "You can't make a difference. You have Parkinson's. It effects everything you do. You can't even think straight, let alone make a difference! You will never make a difference in the world!"

I tried to say something, but at first I could not think of anyway I make a difference in the world. All I could say was that I try! I shared that my passion is to help hurting girls and women. I want to take them comfort, peace, life, laughter, and most of all the Gospel of Jesus. But I want them to know that they are loved by a Father with a love that is unconditional. Yet, what have I done about that? What difference am I making?

When did the roles shift? As a parent of adult children, when did I stop "not caring" if they approved of me, and now I want (no, sometimes, NEED) that approval? Will we EVER meet their expectations? I was spiralling downward quickly as I sat in the backseat quietly on the way home with my sunglasses on so no one could see the tears. She was upset too. I could see her tears. I ask God to help me do no more harm to her or to His name!

Then God comforted me with memories of helping students as a teacher, teaching Sunday School, and discipling girls. But, what good is it if the one you raised (flesh of my flesh and bone of my bone) does not see it? Remember the old saying, "If a tree fell in the woods and made a loud noise, but no one heard it, did it really make the noise?" I felt like if I did all this, but my own daughter saw no benefit, then did I ever do ANYTHING that changed or helped anybody?

It was a wake-up call. Shame on me! If I did it for MY glory then man would know. But I don't do it for my glory, I want all I do to be for His glory and His alone! If I do His will, honor Him, Obey Him--then if it goes unnoticed on this earth, even by my own daughter, so what? He knows. It was for Him. I love Him. What else matters. If I am doing His will, even when no one sees then I am a succcess and will make a difference!

I did ask Him to help me find favor in my daughter's eyes. She is a phenomenal daughter who is spreading her wings in this big world and has her own insecurities. I pray for God to mend her broken heart for my insensivity today! I guess what hurt most was that I want to most of all make a difference in the life of my own children. WHAT DOES IT PROFIT A MAN TO GAIN THE WHOLE WORLD BUT LOSE HIS OWN SOUL--or in this case, children? Out of everything I've ever done I would love for my children to say I made a difference in their life. Oh, well...my life isn't over. Each day is a fresh, new beginning. As for me, I chose to ask God to allow me daily to affect my children for the good. My new goal in life: in heaven to hear my children rise up and call me blessed!